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Hedifeld barbecue photoshops

Nick Heidfeld's dramatic retirement from the 2011 Hungarian Grand Prix has prompted many photoshops already, less than 24 hours after the event. Here's mine:

(click for full resolution, feel free to steal but don't claim it as your own!)

BBC committed to Two Pints of Lager until 2036

Thanks to enormous savings made by the BBC in off-loading its F1 coverage early, the Beeb was pleased to announce it can continue funding low-quality programming well into the next few decades.

We were so worried we wouldn't have the money to produce more sub-standard swill a spokesperson said. Without it, there wouldn't be a channel that people would stop at because they've already flicked through 6 and can't find anything decent on. Without BBC3, people will continue to flick through and watch top-quality BBC repeats on Dave and we can't have another channel profiting off our stupidity in spending so much money buying Angry Boys that we can't make any other decent programmes.

What effect will these savings have on BBC programming?

The benefits will be obvious, massive and will be noticeable soon. For example, that nobody who presents the 60 seconds of news on Three will have an extra 8 seconds to tell you some dumb shit about a celebrity whom nobody cares about, instead of telling you the F1 results. We can also expand some of our existing programming and approve its superficial quality.

Superficial quality?

Yes, like converting World's Craziest Fools into 3D and launching regional variations of Snog, Marry, Avoid - we're thrilled with the Norfolk edition "Snog, Marry, Get Done For Incest" which we think will bring in a lot of ratings. We're also very excited about simultaneously showing two Eastenders episodes at once, so if you're bored with the action in the Vic you can switch over to 3 to find out what's going on in the Café instead. The best part is that the truly good stuff like Our War will be kept off of BBC2, otherwise it would threaten the ratings of A Question of Sport and My Family on BBC1.

But you'll still have some live F1 races and highlights for others. Isn't that a fly in the ointment?

A little, but most people will have either gullibly signed up for Sky or have watched it on their PC through an illegal stream and since those people are the most likely to dodge the licence fee anyway we'll be glad they'll end up in jail (that is, if we ever catch them, which we won't, we'll just bully them with empty threats until they pay). There'll be so few left watching that we can justify getting rid of the whole lot and then we'll have even more money to spend chronicling the lives of chavs, which has proven to be the biggest ratings-drawer.

The BBC bigwigs who rubber-stamped this development were unavailable for detailed comments, one offering only We're rich and we don't even watch it, so fuck you, I'm off to my yacht.

F1 teams limited to how much they can complain

In order to defuse an ever-growing row about blown diffusers that with each passing day makes more of a mockery of F1, Charlie Whiting has announced that from the Nurburgring race onwards teams will be limited to how much they can complain about the rules.

At first, moaning was a small area of development and performance said Whiting but recently it has threatened to grow beyond control and swallow up budgets. Also, all this wasting of hot air is contrary to green image we want F1 to have.

What solution did the FIA have in mind?

From the German race onward no team will be allowed to use more than 10% of:

• its time with the press
• words of their written statements
• minutes with FIA technical staff

to complain about the rules and regulations. That way we can clamp down on this moveable aerodynamic device.

A what now?

It's a moveable aerodynamic device. You see, they move their lips, contract their vocal muscles and the end result is a gain in aerodynamic performance. Completely legitimate interpretation of the rules.

Right.

This may however just be the eye of the storm, as some teams have lodged an appeal that they be given a greater allowance to complain for reliability reasons, as whining is an intrinsic part of a Formula One team's mechanics. The Mercedes teams have already complained about the complaint as they would be restricted to 10% of angry blustering, whereas rival Renault-powered teams could get away with 50% of cool, snide remarks. Meanwhile Ferrari are saying nothing, perhaps saving their energy for yet another scandal in a German-speaking country.

Sir Lancelot revealed as steward

Following a mixed and often critical reaction to the way Race Control handled the start and re-start of the Canadian Grand Prix, the FIA have stuck to their guns and named Sir Lancelot from Monty Python as the fourth steward for this weekend's European Grand Prix.

You're in too much peril!

Charlie Whiting, speaking ahead of the race, said that Canada had shown the importance of taking into account the weather conditions when it came to driver safety.

That's why we've taken this move. We thought, if anyone could save the drivers from a minimum amount of peril when having the maximum amount of fun, it would be Sir Lancelot. We don't care if Zoot has been a bad, naughty girl, it's just too dangerous to get involved in that kind of situation, certainly not without a Safety Car at least.

What dangers can we expect from the upcoming race then?

Well, seeing as it's Valencia, the one place we need rain to liven things up the most, it will be bone dry and scorching hot, so we'll be giving 10-place grid penalties to anyone not using both factors of sunscreen during the race. We'll also be mandating four re-starts so the drivers have some time in the shade under their umbrellas and so we've invited Rihanna back for another race.

Shock Hamilton move to McLaren for 2013?

The world of Formula One is buzzing with excitement as it has emerged Lewis Hamilton may make a dramatic signing to drive for McLaren from 2013 onwards.

Rumours first circulated at the start of the year when Hamilton was frequently seen in the McLaren motorhome and pit garages. Speculation further bubbled when he stopped in the McLaren pit box during the Chinese Grand Prix. Now the paddock is convinced that Hamilton has been in contact with key McLaren management, including team principal Martin Whitmarsh. In last Sunday's Canadian Grand Prix, he was even in contact with star man Jenson Button. McLaren have moved swiftly to quash any rumours.

There's nothing to it said Martin Whitmarsh. Lewis is a great driver with a lot of talent but he is currently under contract and 2013 is a long way away. Right now we're focused on our drivers and this year's championship.

Stefano Domenicali, team principal of Ferrari, threw his hat in the ring.

You know, I wouldn't mind having Hamilton in the team. I am in no way saying Felipe is not good enough for the team anymore but Fernando is a great driver, Lewis is a great driver, Vettel is a great driver...you get the point. Oh but we are fully committed to Massa. We like him and there's no-one else anyway.

Alonso was unavailable for a response, unless "HAHAHAHAHA" counts as a comment.

Christian Horner of Red Bull also dismissed the rumours.

You get this kind of stuff floating around all the time and it's only natural that someone as high-profile as Lewis would be linked even tentatively with a top team, but I don't think there's any story to speak of yet. Anyway, I thought he was signing with us?

Paul di Resta punished for his own good

Stewards revealed last night that the reason Paul di Resta has been punished twice in two races even though he damaged no-one's race but his own is because they rather like him and don't want to see him crash.

Paul is such a nice guy and a great talent. I don't want to see him lose points like that said one steward. So we're giving him penalties to save him from himself.

What about the fact that he'd already had a penalty in Monaco and did the same thing in Canada?

Oh, he'll get the message now. I guess they should have explained to him after Monaco what was happening, but actually explaining our decisions is something we're only coming to grips with now. Honestly, the idea still makes me feel a little faint.

So the penalties presumably aren't for dangerous driving then?

Of course not - how could it? He's not taking any points off of Ferrari or threatening to win the world championship, so he couldn't possibly be a dangerous driver. Not like those meddling kids Hamilton and Vettel.

What about Nick Heidfeld? Will he be punished to stop him from driving into the back of people and bringing out the Safety Car?

Don't be silly. We may make the craziest decisions but nothing says we have to be consistent about it.

These penalties clearly aren't really deterrents at all, are they? After all, we're seeing more and more penalties every race. Have you heard of the phrase "locking the stable door after the horse has bolted"?

Nay.

FOTA united on...um...we're not actually sure

Following the announcement that the Bahrain Grand Prix will be re-scheduled to later this year, FOTA members' press offices were in high gear to re-assure us all that they're going to have a good, hard think about it and will let us know what they think as soon as they do, in case they say something now and Williams breaks ranks. Again.

Renault had this to say:

No doubt you want to know what we think but we're going to wait a while and talk and establish what it is we're thinking, even though our boss has just said we have no problem going there.

Red Bull were equally opaque on the matter:

We acknowledge the decision taken by the guys who'll gain the most out of this decision out of all the F1 community and we'll be meeting to discuss a joint statement with the other teams, just in case our principles turn out to be unpopular.

McLaren haven't said a single thing, though since they are owned by Bahrain they are probably pleased that the country's return to peace has earned them their race back and are glad those nasty Iranian terrorists who have been fiendishly posing as a significant section of the population for years didn't win.

The one major figure to speak out so far has been Mark Webber, but Helmut Marko has insisted it was Sebastian Vettel doing a terrific Aussie accent.

Crazy guy at Red Bull demo turns out to be hitman

A man who jumped out in front of Sebastien Buemi doing a promotional day for Red Bull in Japan has turned out to be a hired assassin.

As Buemi was doing a few spins in the Red Bull Showcar, a marshal inexplicably jumped out in front of him in what appeared to be a moment of lunacy. What wasn't caught on camera however was that the man also yelled death threats as he did it, adding only 'shit, I forgot my sword, time to pretend it was a joke'. Police have now taken the man into custody for further questioning and have released this statement:

The man, who we will not yet name for legal reasons, is currently being questioned also on suspicion of other unsolved crimes. We believe he may be linked to or responsible for up to 24 different attempted and successful murders and a few other crimes besides.

When asked to elaborate on these 'other crimes' in a press conference, a policeman commented:

Mostly larceny, in particular of things relating to Formula One, such as the plundering of Mark Webber's pace and the theft of all the common sense missing from F1 stewarding rooms in 2008.

The man and his legal team have yet to comment, although rumours currently abound that his bank account features a deposit of $500,000 from a Sr. J. Alguersuariola, itself believed to be a fake account.

Bahrain Grand Prix to go ahead after all

Nope, no spin on this one. The decision in itself is silly.

Stop it, FIA

Group Lotus buy Chelsea

Hot on the heels of Tony Fernandes' plans to buy West Ham football club, Danny Bahar and Group Lotus have announced that they plan to buy their own team: Chelsea.

The decision comes just two weeks after a High Court ruling found that Tony Fernandes' 1MalaysiaRacing team had the legal right to race under the Team Lotus name. Asked if the timing was just a little suspicious, at the press conference a Group Lotus spokesperson had this to say:

Actually, we had intended this all along. We initially did a deal with Mr Fernandes to run West Ham for us, but we decided to part company after we found Mr Fernandes had broken a merchandising deal, specifically a line of toffee hammers. This has nothing to do with trying to steal his thunder and achieve success much more quickly than he, thus ruining his personal plans.

The matter doesn't stop there, though. It has emerged that if successful, Group Lotus will seek to change the name of Chelsea FC - to West Ham FC Chelsea. Another spokesperson elaborated:

You see, what with West Ham being relegated and all, the standing of the club has gone down. We wanted to draw on the support of the club and give it something to be proud of. Anyway, what kind of stupidity is it for a club called "West" Ham to be situated in East London? We will rectify that.

But what about the support and reverence for the name and identity of Chelsea, he was asked.

Don't be stupid. Everyone fucking hates Chelsea. We will change that, partly by holding prize draws for the lovely Lotus cars advertised throughout the stadium and on our kits - which, incidentally, will change colour to the current West Ham strip, just to confuse all you dolts.

When asked to comment, Tony Fernandes' press secretary would only say this:

We're not worried about this. The good always win. We're confident we'll be able to push forward and enter the Europa League next year.

Hamilton faces fine for not being funny

McLaren's Lewis Hamilton's comments after the Monaco Grand Prix could yet land him in even more hot water.

Attempting to crack a joke to defuse his frustration, Hamilton referenced Ali G (no, not Alistair Griffin, that would be even worse) and his famous (well, for us who remember him) line 'Is it because I is black?' Though his avoidance of quoting the line word-for-word has saved him from the wrath of Grammar Nazis, he may face sanctions on the grounds of not being funny. Condemnation along the length of the paddock was universal:

I can't believe he referenced a Sacha Baron Cohen character. That hasn't been funny since that Borat film came out.

Sir Frank Williams

What kind of a joke was that? 'Fernando is faster than you', now that was a classic!

Rob Smedley

I think it was very misguided. Perhaps he should have said 'I'm a lady, don't you know'. What, Little Britain is funny! Ah, screw you.

Sebastian Vettel

FIA representatives will meet ahead of the Canadian Grand Prix to discuss a punishment for Hamilton. No details have been discussed, but a figure who wishes to remain anonymous had this to say:

Normally it would be something like a $10,000 fine and an order to do charity work. Seeing as this is McLaren though, we'll probably impose a fine of $1,000,000 and exile him for a year to an island inhabited only by him, Jim Davidson and Alan Carr.

Welcome to the Silly Season!

Hello and welcome to this new blog! I've always wanted to do a blog, but there are so many excellent ones out there that the only angle would be that it was my opinion and I can share that on those sites instead. So I thought I'd have a go at a humour blog about Formula One, my favourite sport. The idea was originally entitled "Epic Fa1l" but I thought that would be stepping on the toes of the rather excellent blog WTF1 and didn't really fit the format I want to work in, that of spoof articles in the vein of The Onion or The Daily Mash, which I am a big fan of.

So, I hope you enjoy these and I hope I actually continue on with the project!