BBC committed to Two Pints of Lager until 2036

Thanks to enormous savings made by the BBC in off-loading its F1 coverage early, the Beeb was pleased to announce it can continue funding low-quality programming well into the next few decades.

We were so worried we wouldn't have the money to produce more sub-standard swill a spokesperson said. Without it, there wouldn't be a channel that people would stop at because they've already flicked through 6 and can't find anything decent on. Without BBC3, people will continue to flick through and watch top-quality BBC repeats on Dave and we can't have another channel profiting off our stupidity in spending so much money buying Angry Boys that we can't make any other decent programmes.

What effect will these savings have on BBC programming?

The benefits will be obvious, massive and will be noticeable soon. For example, that nobody who presents the 60 seconds of news on Three will have an extra 8 seconds to tell you some dumb shit about a celebrity whom nobody cares about, instead of telling you the F1 results. We can also expand some of our existing programming and approve its superficial quality.

Superficial quality?

Yes, like converting World's Craziest Fools into 3D and launching regional variations of Snog, Marry, Avoid - we're thrilled with the Norfolk edition "Snog, Marry, Get Done For Incest" which we think will bring in a lot of ratings. We're also very excited about simultaneously showing two Eastenders episodes at once, so if you're bored with the action in the Vic you can switch over to 3 to find out what's going on in the Café instead. The best part is that the truly good stuff like Our War will be kept off of BBC2, otherwise it would threaten the ratings of A Question of Sport and My Family on BBC1.

But you'll still have some live F1 races and highlights for others. Isn't that a fly in the ointment?

A little, but most people will have either gullibly signed up for Sky or have watched it on their PC through an illegal stream and since those people are the most likely to dodge the licence fee anyway we'll be glad they'll end up in jail (that is, if we ever catch them, which we won't, we'll just bully them with empty threats until they pay). There'll be so few left watching that we can justify getting rid of the whole lot and then we'll have even more money to spend chronicling the lives of chavs, which has proven to be the biggest ratings-drawer.

The BBC bigwigs who rubber-stamped this development were unavailable for detailed comments, one offering only We're rich and we don't even watch it, so fuck you, I'm off to my yacht.

F1 teams limited to how much they can complain

In order to defuse an ever-growing row about blown diffusers that with each passing day makes more of a mockery of F1, Charlie Whiting has announced that from the Nurburgring race onwards teams will be limited to how much they can complain about the rules.

At first, moaning was a small area of development and performance said Whiting but recently it has threatened to grow beyond control and swallow up budgets. Also, all this wasting of hot air is contrary to green image we want F1 to have.

What solution did the FIA have in mind?

From the German race onward no team will be allowed to use more than 10% of:

• its time with the press
• words of their written statements
• minutes with FIA technical staff

to complain about the rules and regulations. That way we can clamp down on this moveable aerodynamic device.

A what now?

It's a moveable aerodynamic device. You see, they move their lips, contract their vocal muscles and the end result is a gain in aerodynamic performance. Completely legitimate interpretation of the rules.

Right.

This may however just be the eye of the storm, as some teams have lodged an appeal that they be given a greater allowance to complain for reliability reasons, as whining is an intrinsic part of a Formula One team's mechanics. The Mercedes teams have already complained about the complaint as they would be restricted to 10% of angry blustering, whereas rival Renault-powered teams could get away with 50% of cool, snide remarks. Meanwhile Ferrari are saying nothing, perhaps saving their energy for yet another scandal in a German-speaking country.