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Hedifeld barbecue photoshops

Nick Heidfeld's dramatic retirement from the 2011 Hungarian Grand Prix has prompted many photoshops already, less than 24 hours after the event. Here's mine:

(click for full resolution, feel free to steal but don't claim it as your own!)

BBC committed to Two Pints of Lager until 2036

Thanks to enormous savings made by the BBC in off-loading its F1 coverage early, the Beeb was pleased to announce it can continue funding low-quality programming well into the next few decades.

We were so worried we wouldn't have the money to produce more sub-standard swill a spokesperson said. Without it, there wouldn't be a channel that people would stop at because they've already flicked through 6 and can't find anything decent on. Without BBC3, people will continue to flick through and watch top-quality BBC repeats on Dave and we can't have another channel profiting off our stupidity in spending so much money buying Angry Boys that we can't make any other decent programmes.

What effect will these savings have on BBC programming?

The benefits will be obvious, massive and will be noticeable soon. For example, that nobody who presents the 60 seconds of news on Three will have an extra 8 seconds to tell you some dumb shit about a celebrity whom nobody cares about, instead of telling you the F1 results. We can also expand some of our existing programming and approve its superficial quality.

Superficial quality?

Yes, like converting World's Craziest Fools into 3D and launching regional variations of Snog, Marry, Avoid - we're thrilled with the Norfolk edition "Snog, Marry, Get Done For Incest" which we think will bring in a lot of ratings. We're also very excited about simultaneously showing two Eastenders episodes at once, so if you're bored with the action in the Vic you can switch over to 3 to find out what's going on in the Café instead. The best part is that the truly good stuff like Our War will be kept off of BBC2, otherwise it would threaten the ratings of A Question of Sport and My Family on BBC1.

But you'll still have some live F1 races and highlights for others. Isn't that a fly in the ointment?

A little, but most people will have either gullibly signed up for Sky or have watched it on their PC through an illegal stream and since those people are the most likely to dodge the licence fee anyway we'll be glad they'll end up in jail (that is, if we ever catch them, which we won't, we'll just bully them with empty threats until they pay). There'll be so few left watching that we can justify getting rid of the whole lot and then we'll have even more money to spend chronicling the lives of chavs, which has proven to be the biggest ratings-drawer.

The BBC bigwigs who rubber-stamped this development were unavailable for detailed comments, one offering only We're rich and we don't even watch it, so fuck you, I'm off to my yacht.

F1 teams limited to how much they can complain

In order to defuse an ever-growing row about blown diffusers that with each passing day makes more of a mockery of F1, Charlie Whiting has announced that from the Nurburgring race onwards teams will be limited to how much they can complain about the rules.

At first, moaning was a small area of development and performance said Whiting but recently it has threatened to grow beyond control and swallow up budgets. Also, all this wasting of hot air is contrary to green image we want F1 to have.

What solution did the FIA have in mind?

From the German race onward no team will be allowed to use more than 10% of:

• its time with the press
• words of their written statements
• minutes with FIA technical staff

to complain about the rules and regulations. That way we can clamp down on this moveable aerodynamic device.

A what now?

It's a moveable aerodynamic device. You see, they move their lips, contract their vocal muscles and the end result is a gain in aerodynamic performance. Completely legitimate interpretation of the rules.

Right.

This may however just be the eye of the storm, as some teams have lodged an appeal that they be given a greater allowance to complain for reliability reasons, as whining is an intrinsic part of a Formula One team's mechanics. The Mercedes teams have already complained about the complaint as they would be restricted to 10% of angry blustering, whereas rival Renault-powered teams could get away with 50% of cool, snide remarks. Meanwhile Ferrari are saying nothing, perhaps saving their energy for yet another scandal in a German-speaking country.

Sir Lancelot revealed as steward

Following a mixed and often critical reaction to the way Race Control handled the start and re-start of the Canadian Grand Prix, the FIA have stuck to their guns and named Sir Lancelot from Monty Python as the fourth steward for this weekend's European Grand Prix.

You're in too much peril!

Charlie Whiting, speaking ahead of the race, said that Canada had shown the importance of taking into account the weather conditions when it came to driver safety.

That's why we've taken this move. We thought, if anyone could save the drivers from a minimum amount of peril when having the maximum amount of fun, it would be Sir Lancelot. We don't care if Zoot has been a bad, naughty girl, it's just too dangerous to get involved in that kind of situation, certainly not without a Safety Car at least.

What dangers can we expect from the upcoming race then?

Well, seeing as it's Valencia, the one place we need rain to liven things up the most, it will be bone dry and scorching hot, so we'll be giving 10-place grid penalties to anyone not using both factors of sunscreen during the race. We'll also be mandating four re-starts so the drivers have some time in the shade under their umbrellas and so we've invited Rihanna back for another race.

Shock Hamilton move to McLaren for 2013?

The world of Formula One is buzzing with excitement as it has emerged Lewis Hamilton may make a dramatic signing to drive for McLaren from 2013 onwards.

Rumours first circulated at the start of the year when Hamilton was frequently seen in the McLaren motorhome and pit garages. Speculation further bubbled when he stopped in the McLaren pit box during the Chinese Grand Prix. Now the paddock is convinced that Hamilton has been in contact with key McLaren management, including team principal Martin Whitmarsh. In last Sunday's Canadian Grand Prix, he was even in contact with star man Jenson Button. McLaren have moved swiftly to quash any rumours.

There's nothing to it said Martin Whitmarsh. Lewis is a great driver with a lot of talent but he is currently under contract and 2013 is a long way away. Right now we're focused on our drivers and this year's championship.

Stefano Domenicali, team principal of Ferrari, threw his hat in the ring.

You know, I wouldn't mind having Hamilton in the team. I am in no way saying Felipe is not good enough for the team anymore but Fernando is a great driver, Lewis is a great driver, Vettel is a great driver...you get the point. Oh but we are fully committed to Massa. We like him and there's no-one else anyway.

Alonso was unavailable for a response, unless "HAHAHAHAHA" counts as a comment.

Christian Horner of Red Bull also dismissed the rumours.

You get this kind of stuff floating around all the time and it's only natural that someone as high-profile as Lewis would be linked even tentatively with a top team, but I don't think there's any story to speak of yet. Anyway, I thought he was signing with us?

Paul di Resta punished for his own good

Stewards revealed last night that the reason Paul di Resta has been punished twice in two races even though he damaged no-one's race but his own is because they rather like him and don't want to see him crash.

Paul is such a nice guy and a great talent. I don't want to see him lose points like that said one steward. So we're giving him penalties to save him from himself.

What about the fact that he'd already had a penalty in Monaco and did the same thing in Canada?

Oh, he'll get the message now. I guess they should have explained to him after Monaco what was happening, but actually explaining our decisions is something we're only coming to grips with now. Honestly, the idea still makes me feel a little faint.

So the penalties presumably aren't for dangerous driving then?

Of course not - how could it? He's not taking any points off of Ferrari or threatening to win the world championship, so he couldn't possibly be a dangerous driver. Not like those meddling kids Hamilton and Vettel.

What about Nick Heidfeld? Will he be punished to stop him from driving into the back of people and bringing out the Safety Car?

Don't be silly. We may make the craziest decisions but nothing says we have to be consistent about it.

These penalties clearly aren't really deterrents at all, are they? After all, we're seeing more and more penalties every race. Have you heard of the phrase "locking the stable door after the horse has bolted"?

Nay.